The Truth
by xXCaitieCat
Summary: very AU...A Simple Little Christmas Wish...we are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all...what do you do when the only person who can stop your tears is the one making you cry... R
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I technically own everything about this story, this entire story came straight from my head. The only thing I don't own is the characters, all be it their personalities and what they say are mine, they are mainly the instruments of my voice and what I want to say...**

**I hope you connect with my story when you read this...and enjoy it :P**

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_CHAPTER 1_

_Wednesday 16th, December, 2009_

"Stop poking me, I've almost finished work, I just have to do this last article and I'm done then we can go upstairs and practice okay?" I giggled while my boyfriend kept prodding me with a small, oriental hand fan.

L has been my boyfriend since the 19th of August and it has been the best almost 4 months I ever though I could have had with a guy. See, I'm naive, L is my first boyfriend and my first love. He was my first in a lot of ways, and hey! Don't get your nickers in a knot, I'm still very much a virgin. But I have shared a lot of firsts with this guy? Man? Boy? And have I regretted any of them?

no.

"look I'm done now ok?" L smiled at me and sighed in relief that my tedious job was done for the day.

"Mum, I did the last article we'll be upstairs now, bye" I signed off of my computer.

See, I work at home, my family own 2 businesses, a computer software development website...thing, and a website for the community and region where I live that has articles of media releases and new things coming, events, businesses around here advertise on the site. It's kind of a big deal here in the community.

My mum works on the community stuff, she is the community chick, when people hear her name in stores and business stuff people ask if she is the charity chick. She writes great editorials for the newsletter we have which has thousands of people signed onto (including family which has gotten us into trouble a few times).

My dad is very much a computer dork, he is a program developer so he does all that coding, stuff, on computers. So basically in a nutshell he builds the programs you use to build and make websites. He does all the background stuff and he does a lot in real estate sites and has clients in the big city's around the country. If only they knew that he, and my mum, sit down here in a dinky little office at home, with five computers crammed into it, sitting around with no shoes on and wearing singlets and boardies. Basically my dad is in the top 3 website developers in the country, if only he'd get recognition for it.

"okay, good luck practicing." my mum dismissed me and L.

L and I have a big concert to do on Friday night. We were invited to perform with Herb Armstrong and the royal street Krewe at the Jazz club, in front of paying customers and everything! Its a huge deal for us. Herb Armstrong, funnily enough, is the late Louis Armstrong's grandson! He is big, he is black, and he is just like 'Satchmo'. He also has more front than a mac front if you get what I'm saying.

So it's very much an AWESOME opportunity for us to perform with these professional jazz musicians.

The past couple of days, L and I have been having, issues you could say. It all started two weeks ago. Things at home started getting really hard for me, but L was busy and he kept being busy. So I'd text him and he took ages to reply if he did at all, but that was okay, I mean he was busy with friends and family. So him not talking to me so much was okay.

But after not talking to me for, like, a week I noticed when he did text me it was only about the concert with Herbie. He kept pissing me off because he was too busy to talk to me but he wasn't too busy to make time to hassle me bout getting the music for the concert. It started really bugging me. But, I decided, to let it go, I just figured he had a lot on his plate.

On the Saturday, I had family Christmas Barbeque party thing, and he was invited. After hanging out with my family and then hanging out just him and I together, alone after everyone had left, everything was normal, so I let it all go. We had a great time together Saturday night just hanging out watching crappy TV shows while cuddling and, of course, making out in the ad breaks and don't forget retiring to the pool.

He was supposed to come over the next day to hang out together, but he canceled cause his dad wanted to spend time with him and his siblings which I was totally okay with, it wasn't like he planned on canceling on me. The whole day, he didn't reply to any of my texts, I just figured he was busy still, but I really needed to talk to him, things at home were getting worse.

I called him that night and he was, abnormally quiet, and I kept trying to talk to him cause I was upset bout a whole lot of stuff and especially the fact that the whole two weeks before he had only texted me, or talked to me to just hassle bout the music. And he just kept saying I was mad at him, when I kept telling him I was just upset not mad.

The phone kept cutting out and each time I was the one to call back. I ended up getting fed up and just giving up and going to bed. He didn't once text me or try to call me back.

The next day he was supposed to come over AGAIN, but he bailed on me. But only after I had told him I didn't have the music faxed to me yet. Which hurt. Because other than the fact that I missed him and was upset with his behavior, I really needed him. Things were getting really bad and I was so scared and stressed out with all these other things and I really just needed him.

I called him that night and we were talking a little but I was still really upset and he just, wasn't registering, which is strange for him. Usually he could read just one text from me and notice that I was upset about something and force me to tell him so he could try and help me. But then, he didn't even pick up on anything.

We kept talking, well a more accurate description would be I kept talking, but nothing was working. The phone kept cutting out again he still had it in his mind that I was mad at him, when I was upset. Just very, upset.

I ended up hanging up on him because I was crying, I texted him saying sorry, but he never replied. I texted about 7 apologies, but he never replied.

The next day he canceled on me again, saying we needed "cool off" time, what was that? So I ended up calling him that night and he said he was angry with me because I hung up on him. I explained, after many silent pauses that I hung up because I was crying and didn't want him hearing it. Again he was just being abnormally quiet and, off. We ended up talking for a bit but I ended up getting all upset again and hanging up on him again. I texted him apologizing, again, and saying it was for the same reasons as the night before. He replied, and we organized to meet for today.

He turned up this morning, just as I was finishing work and he has been normal, everything has been normal. It's great.

"ugh I hate working, so. Much." I sighed in defeat as I walked up the stairs, L following behind me.

"yea, but I'm glad we've got the music now, I can already do when the saints" L boasted.

"yea your just lucky trumpet Dixieland is easier then Trombone dixieland" I responded, fake pouting.

OH, I forgot to mention this before, I play Trombone and L plays Trumpet. But to be totally honest, I totally own him.

When we got to the top of the stairs he wrapped his arms around me.

"I missed you" I mumbled into his chest.

"I missed you too" he spoke into my hair.

"L, the shit keeps hitting the fan, I'm so confused and, upset right now, with all this stuff happening" I said while letting go of him and walking into the kitchen, to lean on the bench.

"I think I may have to see my grandad this weekend...which is bad, real bad, I'm so scared and upset, I don't want to I don't want to at all" I started tearing up.

L walked over and stood in front of me, arms either side of me holding me in place. He just hugged me and kept hugging me.

I glanced up at him and he suddenly planted a kiss on my lips, an incredibly one might I add. But it seemed to be over too quickly.

I smiled up at him.

"we should start practicing" L said interrupting our gaze.

"yea, haha, I can't play shit" I joked.

We walked over to my dining table and set up our instruments and got everything ready but I could get my mind off all my shit. I just sort of sat there looking down, I couldn't exactly focus on the music. L looked down at me.

"look, we need to talk" his words shook me to my core.

"what do you mean? About what?" I asked.

"about, the fighting the last couple of days and stuff" he explained.

"what fighting? That was hardly fighting I've just been really upset bout all this stuff and, I was upset that you could make time to hassle me bout this fucking music but not to actually TALK to me." he just looked at me.

"I just, can't get over this, I just, you're mad at me and you hung up on me"

"what? Ugh I'm not mad at you and I wasn't mad at you I'm just upset there is a difference, and I'm still upset, but I told you why I hung up on you and I apologized so many times and you never texted back" I was starting to get really teary now, that wasn't a good sign.

"yea well, I was angry and I still am mad at you, for just hanging up on me" I couldn't believe what he was saying.

"what are you saying L?" I asked, getting more and more teary I don't like where this is going, I don't know how much longer I can hold up. Man I'm pathetic.

"well, I'm just saying what are we going to do, I don't know what to do anymore"

"what do you mean you don't know what to do, I apologized heaps and your still mad at me?"

"this just isn't, something I can get over." is he being serious?

"I'm still really upset with you and how you made time to hassle me about this fucking music, but not to just TALK to me, and the shit at the moment is hitting the fan and, I'm so confused and upset and scared." I said starting to get even more teary and emotional. and fuck. I'm not even on my period.

"ugh!" L huffed in frustration. "I just, don't know what to do anymore, what are we going to do." L said. Why does he keep saying that? What is he trying to say?

"what do you mean? What do you want to break up?" there, I'd said it, those horrible words.

...

silence


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N if anybody read this before I updated this chapter you might want to just re-read the first chapter, I tried to neaten it up a bit...so...yea....but sorry, this chapter is kinda a bit muddled I was just trying to get what I wanted to say out and it was like...2 c'clock in the morning. But I swear if you hold out the next chapters get better I swear they do lol this is just sort of....yea lol**

**Disclaimer: I own everything about this story, this entire story came straight from my head. The only thing I don't own is some of the characters, all be it their personalities and what they say are mine, they are mainly the instruments of my voice and what I want to say...**

**I hope you connect with my story when you read this...**

**

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_CHAPTER 2  
_

_Wednesday__, December__ 16th, 2009...still....*sighs*..._

"Oh My God! No no! We haven't even tried anything L?!" I said in desperation, now the tears just started flowing. I kept turning my head but we both knew I can't hide these.

"I just, I just don't know what to do anymore." there, he'd said it again.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I couldn't take it, I couldn't hide the tears. I walked into my mum and dads large, open bedroom next to us. Sitting down on the bed I cried, and cried.

How did it come to this? So quick? I mean just a couple of days ago we were so close, and intimate. He was so loving, we were fine, normal.

I've been crying for about ten minutes now trying to figure this out when L walked in and stood in front of me.

"we'll still be friends right?" he said.

"no no no no! Don't say that! If you say that that means your really thinking of breaking up with me! No!" I stood up, my tears streaming down my face. I know I'm being hysterical and pathetic right now but I'm scared.

"Oh Caitie" he reached out to hug me.

"no. no. no. DON'T touch me. Just don't" I said through my tears. He just stood there. I saw a faint glimmer of hurt flash through his eyes but it was gone a second later. He just continued to stand there.

"I'm sorry" he said.

"no no no. don't say your sorry, we haven't even tried anything! We haven't even tried we can work this out I don't see the big problem, why do you want to do this?! why don't you want to try?!" I was definitely getting hysterical now but I don't care.

"Caitie, I just, ugh its not that I want to do this I just, I just don't know what to do anymore." again with that line and even though no doubt he will say it again, I still don't understand it.

"what do you mean you don't know what to do anymore? Its been what, 3 days?!" I exclaimed. Tears still pouring down my face. I'm sure I was probably anything but attractive at the moment. Not a very comforting thought.

"I just, I'm sorry I can't get over this, we won't be able to look at each other the same way." what was he talking about?

"what do you mean look at each other the same?! I'm just bout ready to completely forgive you with all this not talking to me crap and you can't do this?!" I know I'm being totally pathetic but I don't care anymore I want answers, now.

"I just, I'm so mad at you, I can't just get over something like this" Something like what? What is he talking about? Okay, this whole thing has escalated to a crazy scale.

I just sat on the bed, looking away, crying. Yep, I was sitting on my parents bed crying, in front of my boyfriend. Could I get any more pathetic?

I sat there crying for a few more minutes before he sat down too.

"I just don't think I can move on from this, I'm sorry" move on from what?! What did I do?

"move on from what? Me getting upset and trying to talk to you, and hanging up because I was crying which I apologized for so many fucking times. I sent you seven fucking texts and I never got one in reply, that hurt so bad L." I said looking him in the eye from my position on the bed next to him, tears still streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry I was just really mad."

"I needed you L" I cried. I lied back onto the bed turning my face away from him crying.

After a few minutes I heard him sigh.

"you haven't even tried L, we haven't even tried, we can work things out, relationships take work, and effort. Why do you want to just give up everything?"

"its not that I want to Caitie I just, don't know what we could do, how do we come back from all this?" is he being serious?

"what do you mean, I am ready to just forgive and forget all this crap of not talking and stuff and I apologized to you so. Many. Times." I was full on crying again. This is so humiliating.

"I know! I know, I just can't get over this like you can. I'm not like that I think, we've seen this bad side of each other the worst side and, I don't think we would be able to look at each other the same after this. I don't know whats left for us to do."

"what do you mean look at each other the same! I don't get whats wrong, I don't get why your just so ready to throw everything away like this." I turned over to face him properly and my leg accidentally touched his. He jumped away from my touch so fast it was as if I was a freaking' leper! Ouch that hurt.

"I just, this is one of my biggest flaws I cant stand people blaming me for all their crap" he said...um, excuse me!

"what? Your mad cause I'm blaming you for my shit?! I'm not blaming you!"

"no! Okay sorry, sorry blame was the wrong word I just, it feels like your taking out all your frustration from all this other crap in you life on me. And, I can't stand when people do that its just, one of those little flaws I have. I'm sorry." L said

"I can't believe this, I wasn't doing that I was UPSET! With a whole lot of stuff on my plate and I needed you! And I was generally upset with you and the way you were only talking to me about the music crap and yea, I'm sorry if you felt that way but that wasn't the case at. All." I said. My eyes, refusing to leave me with any dignity, kept leaking tears.

"well I'm sorry but that's what it felt like and I can't stand when people do that I'm sorry." Okay he was getting mad at me now? For that? What the fuck?

"I just don't know what to do anymore" and there he goes again, sprouting that stupid line.

"ugh we haven't even TRIED anything it takes TIME! Why do you want to just throw this all away?! What about us?" I started crying again.

"I'm sorry I just, don't think I can forgive you for this" forgive me? I can't believe this is happening. No, no, NO.

"but, I just, but, I've said sorry, so. Many. Times. Whats not there to forgive?" I pleaded.

"I just, if this can happen now, how do we know this won't happen again in the future?" he said.

"so you want to throw all of this away and break up with me over a stupid what if?!" okay I need to calm down, I think I'm a step away from begging, or losing it. Either way neither one is very pretty nor dignified.

"no not over the what if. I just, I don't know what we CAN do, I just. I feel like there is something missing now, a spark, something that was there before."

"than why did you kiss me before L! We were fine this morning! You weren't mad at me then! what changed! why did you go and fucking kiss me?!" okay I was getting really hysterical now.

"because, I was confused this morning, okay." he said quietly. I laid back down and turned my face away from him and cried silently for a little while just lying there. Randomly saying the odd comment, but he never really replied to any of them.

"I just, don't get why you kissed me this morning and I don't get why you don't even want to try." I said defeated, drained and tired from crying.

"I'm sorry I just, don't see there is anything we can do." he said. He'd been barely looking at me at all, he wont meet my gaze.

"I feel so pathetic right now, and so humiliated." I said in defeat. Tears still streaming down my already stained cheeks.

"I must look horrible right now" I laughed, trying to make a joke, but it came out awkwardly because I started crying halfway through.

"you shouldn't feel embarrassed about this or pathetic, your not." he said to me. How is it that even though he is doing this to me he can still be so kind about it all and just...GAH!

"no I am I just...ugh this is so humiliating" I turned over again, trying to hide more tears. Even though I know it is useless now.

It was strange but in between it being silent from me crying, and him just sitting there, it was kind of peaceful. It was a very odd silent.

"hey L can I ask you something, and you have to be completely honest."

"yea, sure" he said

"if, if I were to kiss you right now. Would you kiss me back?" this is my last hope, I'm blindly grabbing out at anything here, I need to know. This is all hanging by a thread. I sat up and just stared at him, waiting for an answer.

"no. no, probably not." he finally replied. Well, okay, I know what I have to do.

"well, okay then. Um, this is gonna sound really stupid but, I want to give you your Christmas present now, well, at least half of it because if I give it to you on Christmas it will just be pathetic and just, bad. What do you say? Do you want it now?" I asked. Totally and completely defeated.

"umm, you sure?" he asked.

"yea I mean you said we'd be friends, and friends give each other gifts at Christmas right?" I pleaded.

"yea, um yea okay sure, only if your okay though." oh, I definitely was NOT okay, not one bit.

"well remember when we were asking each other about presents and all that and I said how I was writing a poem for my grandma, and you said you'd like a poem...well, that's what I did, I wrote you a poem. I'll just go down and get it." and at that note I left the room and ran down the stairs to get the poem.

Once I'd found it I read it through;

_**~A Simple little Christmas Wish~**_

_**It's Christmas time already,**_

_**I can't believe its come so fast.**_

_**Every month I've been with you so far,**_

_**has been an absolute blast.**_

_**It feels like only yesterday,**_

_**we were walking around sun skills.**_

_**Being forced together by my friends,**_

_**and being interrupted by them too.**_

_**You've always been there for me,**_

_**even when I didn't want you to be.**_

_**You've not only been my boyfriend,**_

_**but you've also become my best friend.**_

_**So it's finally that time of year,**_

_**I'm clueless to what you want!**_

_**But you asked me what I wanted,**_

_**all I'll tell you Is this.**_

_**I have a simple little Christmas wish, **_

_**one I'm sure you can fulfill.**_

_**'cause all I want for Christmas is,**_

_**just to be with you...  
**_

_**I love you**_

_**Merry Christmas**_

_**~Caitlin~ **_

_**xxx**_

I came back up stairs with a fresh load of tears glistening in my eyes.

"okay, its really dodgy and is probably totally horrible now after all this, and I didn't get time to do it all pretty, I was going to, I was going to re-write it out and stuff but...well...I want to give it to you now because I cant give it to you at Christmas."

and with that I leaned down, handed him the piece of paper and hesitantly kissed him on the cheek. He seemed to flinch a little from me which hurt. But, I had to do it.

"Okay, well, I'll let you read, I'll start warming up my trombone so we can practice..." and with that I walked out of the room.

I sat there for a couple of minutes in shock, I can't believe this is happening, this is really happening. I started crying again, full on body wracking sobs. After a couple of minutes of that I got my trombone and tried playing stuff and warming up. But it was so hard to concentrate knowing that L was in the room next to me reading that poem. that had my entire heart in it, he had my heart in his hands right now and was reading it.

After about 10 minutes I stopped playing and slowly walked back into the room.

"okay, haha well I know your not the best reader but I didn't think it would take you this long to read it." I pathetically joked, trying to mask my pain and embarrassment.

"It was a beautiful poem Caitie." he said quietly looking me in the eyes breifly.

"no its not, its, embarrassing, I just, I'm sorry but I wanted to give it to you now 'cause, as you know now it would be pointless on Christmas." I mumbled looking down and trying to stop the constant ongoing flow of tears.

"no really, it was a beautiful poem, I'm sorry but, this isn't making this any easier." he said looking down.

"yea I know, fuck I'm so sorry, I've screwed this up, I've screwed everything up, this is all my fault I always push everything away and I'd finally let you in completely and I just...I dunno I- but- I- just, I'm sorry I'm so sorry, this is all my fault" I know I wasn't making any sense but it was, fuck this is all my fault, if I'd have just, not talked to him bout that or just not dumped on him and not gotten so sensitive about him not talking to me we wouldn't be in this position.

"no it's not your fault really it's me, I'm the one who can't move on from this, I'm sorry." he told me, finally looking me in the eye, but only for a brief moment. Then it was gone.

"okay, well, I think I've been embarrassed enough, I'm sorry, I'm so pathetic, I'll just. I'll just warm up some more and let you think I guess." I said before, once again walking out of the room.

unlike before, I immediately picked up my trombone and started playing. I played my heart out with tears streaming down my face. After a few minutes he came out and I stopped playing and we just kind of stood there. I know it was stupid but him standing this close I could help but love the smell of him, and the way his shirt looked on his body. I can't believe this! He is freaking dumping me and I'm still fucking attracted to him! What is wrong with me!

He stood there looking at me for a minute before he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry but I won't be able to fulfill your Christmas Wish...We'll still be friends though I promise" he said.

And that's when, I didn't just break some more. I completely shattered...

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**please review or something and tell me what you think, but I don't care what anybody says I'm continuing this one lol.**

**I'll probably update with in the next day or so...**

**xoxo**

**~KT~**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N if anybody read this before I updated this chapter you might want to just re-read the first chapter, I tried to neaten it up a bit...so...yea....but sorry, this chapter is kinda a bit muddled I was just trying to get what I wanted to say out and it was like...2 c'clock in the morning. But I swear if you hold out the next chapters get better I swear they do lol this is just sort of....yea lol**

**Disclaimer: I own everything about this story, this entire story came straight from my head. The only thing I don't own is some of the characters, all be it their personalities and what they say are mine, they are mainly the instruments of my voice and what I want to say...**

**I hope you connect with my story when you read this...**

**

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**

~Chapter 3~

_It's STILL Wednesday, December 16th, 2009…sighs*..._

So here I am, sitting on the bottom of my stairs, crying my eyes out. Here I am, completely broken and alone. Here I am with nobody to just sit there and hug me, stroking my hair while I cry into his chest, murmuring things like everything will be okay. No. I'm alone now.

Why am I sitting at the bottom of my stairs hysterically crying you ask? Well…this is what happened…

...

"_I'm sorry but I won't be able to fulfil your Christmas Wish...We'll still be friends though I promise" he said._

_"But- you- I what about us? I'm sorry if I did anything I apologized so many times are you really going to just end it all? After all we've been through together?" I said, trying to come out with a coherent sentence._

"_I'm sorry this is going to sound really corny, but really, it's not you it's me" L said._

"_yea your right that does sound corny, and stupid! What do you mean?!" I said, my voice breaking._

_"Look, I think I should go, but we can still be friends okay?" he said, not meeting my eyes at all. He could barely stand to look at me let alone be in the same room as me._

_"You promise L? you promise we'll be friends? Because. I can't lose you from my life completely." My voice, thick with tears. My body betrayed me again and let out another body wracking sob. Traitor._

"_I promise we'll be friends, but I really think I should leave now, this is really awkward and I don't want you to get more hurt than you already are." Oh how thoughtful, not._

"_Too late, I can't get much more hurt L" I whispered._

_"See this is too awkward for me, I'm just going to leave now." L said not meeting my gaze._

_"no! no, no. please don't go! Cause if you go that means you'll really be gone and I can't deal with that just yet! Please don't go just yet, I mean friends hangout, and friends practice together! I'm not awkward at all, I swear. Just, please don't go yet." I barely shouted in desperation._

"_Please." I whispered quietly, desperately searching his eyes for something, anything. I was being incredibly pathetic and I knew it. But there was just something about him leaving that scared the absolute shit out of me. If he left, it made it all real, if he left, he would really be gone and out of my life. I can't deal with this._

"_Okay, I'll stay, but not for long okay?" I don't care it was enough for me._

"_Just… One more thing, I mean, can this not be so …'permanent'.. I mean, can we maybe try again in like, say a few weeks time or a month or so? I mean maybe by then you would have cooled off or something? And we could try again? Like…can this just not be so permanent." I said desperately._

"_Umm, yea Caitie I guess, if in a month's time we both feel like this than yea I guess. In like, a months time." L said. Even just that little bit of hope in was enough for me to be satisfied with being friends, and stop fighting so desperately for him to change his mind and want to try._

"_okay, I can live with that. Ugh, you know you suck! Even when your dumping me I'm attracted to you! With your smell and the stupid shirt your wearing" I stupidly said getting pissed. But it was true, how is it fair that he happens to wear just the clothes I love to see him in while his dumping me, and have the window open so the smell I love so much about him fills my nostrils...stupid cute welsh accent... Life just isn't fair._

"_I don't think I'm going to go Friday, it's too awkward and it's not fair on you." L said._

"_Okay. Don't be an idiot, this is an opportunity of a lifetime, I'm not going to let the fact that we are, b-broken up now affect that. We were invited and that's that." I stuttered, my voice giving away my instability._

"_Yea but, I don't want you to think I'm using you." _

"_L, that's stupid I'm telling you to go and I would be severely pissed if you didn't go."_

"_Are S and W going?" He asked me._

"_Well, yea I think so, and I promise you they won't make a scene okay? Is that why you don't want to go? Cause your scared of my best friend and her mum!" I replied, slightly miffed._

"_NO… Okay a little, but no. I just don't want you to think I'm using you for this, I don't want you to think in a month's time or something that I just used you to get to Herb."_

_"Ugh! You know me, I wouldn't do that, how could you think I would do something like that?, why would I possibly think that! We were BOTH invited to this and if you don't go I will be really upset, now let's practice while we can." I said, getting my trombone ready and just blowing some warm air through it._

"_I dunno, I'll go but I still think it's a bit awkward for me to stay here."_

"_No! no L I mean we are friends now you said so yourself please stay, please, I know I'm being, really stupid and weird but if you go that means your really gone and I can't- I-I can't deal with that, please don't' go just yet. We're friends, friends practice, lets just practice please. Please don't go yet." I pleaded, being really pathetic and desperate AGAIN I can't help it I don't know what is possessing me to keep him here, but all I know is that I just don't want him to leave yet._

"_Uh, well, okay I'll stay but if it gets too awkward or anything I'm leaving okay?"_

"_Yea okay, so, what are you wearing for Friday?" I said, trying to pathetically to make some sort of conversation._

"_um just a dress shirt and bow tie I guess. Why?" L asked._

"_oh, just wondering. We got what I'm wearing I reckon you'd like it, at least Johnny would like it." I smirked, and if your wondering who Johnny is, well, that is definitely a story for another time._

_He just smiled and gave me a look saying "don't push it"._

"_Okay, okay I'm sorry but it's true. What, suddenly now we're over your not at all attracted to me?"_

"_you know that's not it" he said in a "behave yourself" tone._

"_Yea, yea whatever, I know but your not allowed to think or look at me in that way now huh?" I pathetically joked. I received a small, very small meagre smile for my attempts but it was there._

"_Okay, okay. Lets just practice I think I've warmed up enough." He said. I was trying to hide the tears I could feel coming back. I still, can't believe it's really over._

"_Okay, do you wanna start with When the saints then?" he asked me, looking at me as if I was about to lose it any second. Frankly, I don't blame him I felt like I was going to lose it any second if I hadn't already lost it when he said it's not me it's you._

"_yep, lets go." I said, trying to keep it together as best I could._

_We got through about 4 bars of music before I stopped. It went like that for the next few minutes, I just couldn't seem to play properly. Every time I started the tears just poured down my face and, I couldn't breathe. Not only was I completely broken and hurting, I was humiliated that I tried so hard and pathetically to keep him, I went WAY past begging, and I won't let him leave now._

"_What's wrong?" L asked all though we both knew the answer to that._

"_I'm sorry look this is too awkward and we obviously aren't going to get much practice done, I'm just going to leave now."_

"_Um, okay." I said in-between sobs, I mean really, could I get ANY more pathetic?_

_He started packing up his stuff so I tried to keep it together. But I couldn't stop the sobs from escaping my control. Once he'd gotten all his stuff together we just stood there waiting for the other to say something._

"_so, are you still gonna text me?" he asked._

"_um, maybe I dunno, probably not, I need some time for this" I replied pathetically, barely even all there, halfway already to heartbroken, depressed, catatonic Zombie Caitie._

"_okay well, I don't expect you to walk me out-"_

"_no I'll go downstairs" I interrupted._

_We slowly walked down the stairs which seemed to take forever, but not long enough._

_We got to the bottom and he looked out as if looking to see if the coast was clear._

"_are you scared of seeing my parents now L?" I asked even though it was clearly obvious he was._

"_well, yea I think they know what's happened by now. I'm just gonna go now. Bye." and with that, he was gone...no final kiss, hug, comforting pat on the shoulder nothing._

...

And now your all caught up and we're back to me sitting on the stairs, totally alone and in a hysterical mess. I didn't think things could get any worse,

Boy, was I going to get proved wrong...

* * *

**ok I hoped you guys liked this one....this one was hard to write trying to get the words right lol but please review :D it would mean alot to me to know what you guys think :D**

**xoxo**

**~KT~  
**


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